Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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