If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
