'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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