Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I cut my penus on the lid.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
