So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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