my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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