i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
