did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
