I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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