you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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