You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
