I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
