the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
