She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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