i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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