So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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