It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
50% drunk capacity currently
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
