With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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