I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
im holly from the hills drunk
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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