Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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