But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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