I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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