The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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