Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I wear drunk well.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
