I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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