Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
