I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You've changed since you got that strap on
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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