I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
