take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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