we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
