But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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