I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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