I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
