ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Randomize
