He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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