i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
