I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
