I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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