I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
you had me at cake vodka
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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