we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm at about main and main street
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
