Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
