oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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