Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
