p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I have feelings that need drinking.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
