Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
