I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
