Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
