"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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