after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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