Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
