Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
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