I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
